If I Ever Become a Magical Girl

If I Ever Become a Magical Girl:

1. I will find out if there is a less revealing transformation sequence.

2. In the same vein, I will discover if there are other clothing options besides a mini-skirt, as those tend to be drafty.

3. I will invest in a good pair of sneakers, so as to reduce the possibility of a twisted ankle due to my boots/high heels/sandals.

4. If I see anything even remotely resembling tentacles on the monster I'm fighting, I will immediately remove myself from its striking range, and resort to large firearms.

5. If I have any attack sequence of more than two words and single gesture, I will work to shorten that. If I cannot, I will begin using alternate methods of attacking, such as really big guns.

6. If the villain has a sudden change of heart, I will immediately take him to an anonymous hotel room and watch over him. Either he's faking it and will attempt to betray me, at which point I will kill him; or he's serious, at which point his former colleagues will attempt to kill him. In either case, I will be certain to pump him for information.

7. If my magical sidekick has a nasty habit of forgetting important information until it's too late to act upon, I will insist upon some kind of memory classes.

8. If I have a protector who swoops in, interrupts my fight with the monster just for a motivational speech, and then leaves me without helping in any other way, I will dump him and look for a protector that will fight at my side.

9. No matter how ridiculous the villain may seem, I will give him/her/it my full respect until proven otherwise.

10. Attacking from behind is NOT the act of a coward. It's the act of a magical girl who wishes to minimize fights.

11. If an ally speaks only in riddles, I will give him/her the chance to speak clearly. If he or she refuses, I will find new allies.

12. If an ally claims to know the future, I will tell him or her to quit speaking nonsense, and quote Yoda if I have to.

13. If I discover other magical girls, I will force them to learn such strategies as ambushes, flanking maneuvers, rear guards, and catching opponents in a crossfire.

14. If my enemy consistently uses the same tactics over and over, I will use that predictability to plan an attack to kill that enemy.

15. If I discover that I am reborn from a previous time, I will not be surprised by what my past self was like.

16. If an enemy stops to gloat, I will take that as the opportunity it is and kill him/her/it.

17. If my enemies consistently use minions that shout out random attack phrase right before striking, I will learn to dodge at those shouts.

18. I will NOT make any speeches about "love," "justice," or any other foolishness until AFTER I've defeated my enemy.

19. If my enemy is revealed to be a human, highly-placed or otherwise, I will remember that he or she is undoubtedly attempting to destroy or take over the planet and that professional assassins exist for a reason.

20. I will deliberately walk into walls, gorge myself while eating, and make a general fool of myself, so as to surprise my enemies when I show competence in battle.

21. If possible, I will create attacks that require no words, so as to surprise my enemy when I kill him/her/it with it.

22. If my magical animal sidekick has any weapons/powerups/useful magical devices, I will insist upon getting them immediately, and not wait until my enemies are stronger than me.

23. I will NOT save my most powerful attack until the monster weakened by my friends. Instead, I will use it at the beginning of the fight, in the hopes of making the fight a short one.

24. If I come to possess an artifact of great power that can aid me in defeating evil, I will use it as often as possible, without raising a serious threat to myself.

25. I will learn how to properly use said artifacts before anything else.

26. I will NEVER trust a villain's word. There's a reason why he/she is the villain, after all.

27. If my enemy asks if I could find it in my heart to let him or her go, I will say, "Yes," then turn and walk away. When my enemy attempts to shoot me in the back, my allies will kill him.

28. I will not announce my attacks. If I must, I will use attack phrases that are totally unlike the attack. "Beautiful Love Heart Attack," for example, will produce some kind of magical napalm.

29. In the event that I have a choice between my teammates and completing the mission, I will both remember that if I do not complete the mission, my friends will undoubtedly die anyways, and that they knew the risks when they signed up.

30. I will ensure my magical uniform has protective properties. If it is unable to favorably compare to a bulletproof vest, I will get rid of it and find a new magical uniform.

31. Just because someone *can* destroy the world, doesn't mean that they *will.* I will keep this in mind when my allies have frightening powers.

32. If several members of my group have weapons/special accessories, I will discover if the rest of my group should have something as well.

33. I will not try to defy prophecy, as that never works. Rather, I will find a way to manipulate said prophecy to my favor.

34. I will remember that cheating is defined by the winners and will use every under-handed, dirty, or otherwise cheap trick in the book in order to ensure winning the fight.

35. If the villain takes a hostage, I will mourn for said hostage, then act to avenge their deaths. Any promises the villain makes in regard to the hostage will be regarded as the lies they most likely are.

36. If performing an attack leaves me immobilized or unable to defend myself, I will make sure my teammates know about this, and are able to give me cover while I initiate it.

37. If my One, True Love is captured by the other side and brainwashed to fight against me, I will not hold back against him, as I know he would not want me hurt because of him.

38. If I have a magical device capable of driving the evil out of people, I will use it on the evil minions. At worst, it will do nothing, and I will have to kill them. At best, it will work on them, and they will turn to my side.

39. If said device can also remove a person's humanity, making them happy zombies, I will try to find a way to remove that feature.

40. I will remember that while magically charged attacks are good, magically charged ammunition (especially fired from automatic weapons) is better in many, many cases.

40. I will make all of my allies take at least rudimentary first aid.

41. If a friend starts to date or care about a villain, I will present logic, comprehensive data as to the villain's true nature. Videotapes, pictures, and other easily understood factors should be included.

42. Just because an enemy appears to be defeated does not mean he/she is. I will remain on my guard until I'm absolutely sure they can't squeeze out one final attack.

43. If my most powerful ability might destroy the world when used, I will research less risky methods of mass destruction.

44. I will create an attack that is silent, invisible, or in some other manner hard to detect until it strikes the target.

45. I will NOT seal away an evil opponent, leaving it free to escape and make trouble for my children. Instead, I kill it.

46. If I am unable to kill the opponent, merely seal them, then I will seal them, and then kill them while they're helpless.

47. If a villain begs for mercy, I will remember how much mercy they have shown themselves to be capable of, and show them the same amount.

48. I will never assume an enemy has just one minion. Instead, I will assume there are many minions and plan accordingly.

49. No matter how ridiculous our opponents look, I will assume they are incredibly dangerous and act accordingly.

50. I will NEVER rely on any device to transform into my magical persona.

51. If I must rely on a device, I will never reveal it. Instead, I will hide it somewhere about my body and use a large, flashy object to provide my enemies with something to try and steal.